Church Funnies...

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water"
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again", giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7:00 PM there will be hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10AM, All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 8PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!"